Dear Aliens: Please Save Us or GTFO

Sean O'Reilly

The Alien Boys

With the recent release of documents and accounts by the military of Navy pilots who can’t seem to NOT run into UFOs during training exercises, many have been asking the inevitable questions: Are they extraterrestrial lifeforms? And if so, why are they here?

The answers to these questions are:

  1. Yes, of course. Don’t be stupid.
  2. Who gives a fuck? If they’re not here to save our asses, they need to get the fuck out.

Frankly, at this point, I’m pissed at the ETs. Are you seriously just on safari right now? Like you’ve come countless lightyears to this place just to moon some yokel Air Force pilot? Looking is not free, chief! Seriously, aliens, if you aren’t here to give us an energy source, or a matter replicator, or even just a political system to stop us from killing ourselves, then go away. There are no amusement parks in the sky, fellas. You’re the intergalactic version of a tourist walking slowly down a busy street. Everyone on THIS planet has work, jackass!

I don’t need this. My friends don’t need this. I don’t give a fuck if I’m alone in the universe or if I sit near the bottom of the universal ranking of species. I don’t need to confront any of that in my real life. I have movies for that. I can watch Star Trek and have fun. What’s not fun, you interstellar lookie-loos, is knowing that an advanced civilization is popping into our atmosphere just to, what, take a picture? Fuck you and your tentacle asses (I assume you’re absolutely COVERED in tentacles like some kind of poser). This ain’t a zoo, bro.

It’s rude! Seriously, it’s just plain gauche to scare our Top Gun boys and not at least have drugs. Yeah, you know what, these fucking aliens are just dudes who showed up late and didn’t bring any weed to our burning planet party. You can’t have any of the beers in my fridge or any of the cobalt in my soil, you green pieces of shit. Again, unless you have the cure for cancer or plans for a Dyson sphere, go home, or take us with you and To Serve Man our sorry asses. Plain and simple.

I’m no Posadist. I’m not waiting on the aliens to nuke the planet and allow dolphins to finally live in peace via perfect dolphin communism. I’m also not saying that would be bad! Galactic communism—or at least a new kind of wheat we can grow in the ocean—would be nice, is all. Instead, we get these mysterious grey jerkoffs who just like to mutilate cows and scare nerds with good eyesight. And that, honestly, sucks. These aliens blow, they don’t invite me to their parties, and they want to see us all naked. They are worthless pervs and they need to GTFO. Please Mr. Biden, whatever you can do.

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