Ava, 5, Reports She Wants to Be “Depressed Yet Functional” When She Grows Up

Emily Kelsall

Depressed Yet Functional

St. Laurent’s Academy, a preparatory school for children aged 5-12, put on their ninth annual “Dreams and Hopes Day” this past Tuesday.

St. Laurent’s, known for producing some of the country’s most precocious young minds and alma mater to several prominent middle managers and creative directors, held “Dreams and Hope Day” in-person for the first time since the pandemic.

Ms. O’Hara’s class showed an exceptional display of fanciful spirit. Ava Wilson, 5, expressed her dream to be “depressed but functional.” Other aspirations, crudely written on yellow stars and pasted on the classroom windows included: “chemically balanced,” and “disappointed but Determined.”

Ms. O’Hara lauded her class for their ambitions. “I’m proud that my students are shooting for the moon, in spite of everything,” Ms. O’Hara reported, whilst tossing a crumpled up spelling-sheet into a bin. “Some ask the question, ‘are we setting kids up for disappointment by fanning the flames of lofty dreams?’ I say no. If you believe it, you can achieve it.” She continued, deftly turning a kindergartener away from walking into a desk corner. “The only student who I’m concerned about is Jake.”

Jake Calhoun’s small yellow star read: “On Elon’s spaceship when shit really hits the fan.”

“I’ve seen Jake’s family’s car. It’s a Hyundai from 2015,” Ms. O’Hara mused while taking a sip from her Dolarama-bought “Teacher of The Year” mug. “Jake’s parents are comfortable, but not like ‘escape to Mars rich.’ The most he can hope for is a snug apartment somewhere in the interior with a wide porch for drone access.”

At lunch break, Jake was spotted alone moving a stick through the air and making spaceship noises. The rest of the children were dividing pebbles into piles on the ground and proclaiming: “Look. These are the SSRI’s and these are SNRI’s!”

“Dreams and Hopes Day” concluded with a fun drawing activity designed to allow the children to visualize their goals for the future. Ava, the little scamp she is, worked hard at colouring grime in the tiles of her bachelor pad bathroom.

Keep up the great work, St. Laurent’s Academy!

Emily Kelsall is a story teller living on Squamish territory.

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