5 Tips to Forget Your Therapist Is Just a Cog in a Capitalist Hellscape

Liz Wiest

Therapist Cog

Living through major historical events on top of the already out-of-whack chemical imbalance in your brain got you down? Are you also someone who just can’t shake the feeling that the US mental health system arose under dubious conditions and was never intended to actually heal its people? If so, here are a few Functionally Dead-approved ways to help you forget the fact that your therapist is yet another cog in the ever-adapting world that is late-stage capitalism (that is, if you’re lucky enough to have access to mental health resources in the first place! Hehe <3).

Determining the value of a product can be tricky with something as subjective as therapy, but if you never run out of problems, then you will always be sure to be getting the most bang for your buck! Make it a SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely) goal to get out there and stir up enough chaos in your life to avoid any diminishing returns.

Speaking of content creators, avoid this app at all costs. Its algorithm will have your FYP diagnosing you quicker than a fair amount of professionals will. With all the other therapists giving their free, very pointed advice, you’ll be spiraling in no time!

Now that our contacts sync to every app, you don’t want to possibly risk seeing your therapist on social media, reminding you that they are also a real person the system is exploiting, too. I found out mine had a breakdown and actually quit being a therapist via a very intense Insta post, so the suspension of disbelief is vital here! Plus, won’t it be a funny inside joke to constantly ask, “New phone, who dis?” every time they try to reach out and schedule with you?

You’re privileged enough to have mental health access, for now. But this is America, baby! There are innumerable factors that could change that at the drop of a hat. And if you got used to Telehealth over COVID? Ha! Forget about it. Your insurance company said that was soooo 2020. You’ll be so busy arguing with them about your coordination of benefits for any number of reasons that you’ll totally forget about the role of your therapist for the time being.

Your annoying anti-vax cousin on Facebook insists this is the same thing as therapy, right? Why not give it a try! Literally therapist-free therapy! And if physically and metaphorically running from your problems can’t help you, well, good luck out there!

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