Let’s get real, ladies: Just when you thought you had your sex life figured out, a massive shift in public consciousness came along and completely changed the game. Now, those fuzzy pink handcuffs look less like a cute kink and more like a reminder of the 2 million Americans behind bars. How can you and your partner get each other off without reproducing the carceral state in bed? With these 8 tips, you’ll be ready to fuck reform and abolish horny jail for good.
WORDS, WORDS, WORDS When shifting from a punitive to a restorative framework, changing your vocabulary can be an important first step. For example, instead of punishing that pussy, beg your partner to name and shame that pussy for the harm it’s done. Do you like that, you little unionized sex worker?
TOYS R US A whip? Uh-uh honey! Corporal punishment only perpetuates the cycle of violence. Instead, hand your man a clipboard—he’s your caseworker now. You can look forward to lots of steamy meetings to hold you accountable for your actions. If you really want to turn up the heat, try using a pair of bolt cutters to permanently decommission any restraints you have lying around. Nothing is sexier than liberation.
EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM Early intervention is key to prevent at-risk scenarios from escalating into crimes. Applying that logic to your libido, it’s important to dance the horizontal tango the minute you and your partner feel like it. Any delay risks your horniness getting redirected into harmful actions like writing poetry, composing music, or painting.
HIT THE BOOKS If reading is sexy, reading in bed is down right sinful. Try reading aloud to your partner—you’d be shocked how much you can turn her on without even touching her. Excerpts from Anaïs Nin and Sappho set a sensual mood, but Are Prisons Obsolete? and Golden Gulag will inflame more than her sense of justice, if you know what I mean (she’ll squirt).
THREE’S COMPANY To really kick your carnal life into gear, it might be time to bring a third person into the boudoir. Specifically, someone you’ve hurt. While you and your partner are getting down and dirty, they can confront you with the consequences of your actions and share how your crime affected them. This victim-centered approach is sure to get you wetter than a slip ‘n’ slide in Atlantis.
DOLLARS AND SENSE Of course, in order to be effective, abolition has to extend beyond prisons and uproot the structures that create crime in the first place. In short, if your partner makes more money than you, you should radically redistribute that wealth. If she’s pulling down six figures at a tech start-up, help yourself to a few twenties from her purse, comrade!
IT TAKES A VILLAGE In order to preempt crimes before they occur and ensure yourself a boatload of orgasms, it’s important to feel rooted in a loving and supportive community. Get together with friends, family, and neighbors to talk about how horny you all are. Foster a deep sense of connection through your shared experiences of needing to bust a nut so bad.
I LOVE YA, TOMORROW! When inmates in Hawaii were asked to write out a plan for their lives after release, researchers recorded a markedly reduced rate of recidivism. By providing prisoners with something concrete to look forward to, these plans broke the cycle of harm. So talk to your partner about how you plan to reenter society after fucking.
Nat Roberts is an anarcho-toaist faith healer, a Yugoslavian brand of peach-flavored schnapps, and a writer. Catch him on twitter @GnatRoberts or biweekly on Snails & Oysters, the bisexual movie podcast.
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