COVID appears to be here for the long haul (especially if you have long COVID!), so the FD editorial team has gone ahead and pre-written some prompts with our best guess at what the next surges will look like. This way, we can crank this clickbait out as fast as fucking possible. We want to be drowning in clicks everytime COVID is ravaging the heartland. Never miss an opportunity to score. DO NOT PUBLISH
It’s October 29th, 2021 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The Delta Plus variant is 10 times more transmissible than the Delta variant.
- The Governor of Alabama has surrendered to the virus, naming Delta Plus the Governor Supreme.
- Despite a viral TikTok claiming otherwise, the Biden Administration insists trick or treaters should not avoid Mounds bars out of a concern that Mounds bars are a breeding ground for the virus (the science on Almond Joys remains inconclusive).
It’s February 7th, 2023 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The Christopher Nolan variant is spreading like wildfire, muting all visible colors to tones of gray and blue in your field of vision, giving life an over-the-top sense of dire gravitas.
- Now that the border wall protecting the rest of the United States from Florida has been completed, the President Biden Hologram has called upon the National Guard to begin dumping the aerosolized Moderna vaccine across the state using USPS cargo planes that had been going unused since Biden banned the delivery of mail, mistakenly believing it would upset Louis de Joy.
- NYC Mayor Curtis Sliwa insists the only way to defeat the virus is to release 100,000 feral cats into the streets of Manhattan. The cats are slated to be released on February 10th at dawn.
It’s March 19th, 2028 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The CDC has determined the everpresent wildfires in the Northern California region cannot contract the new Theta variant.
- Schools in Florida will remain open, on the slim chance there is a woman on Earth who is still able to bear a child.
- 1% of Africans have received the first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine, a number that has not changed since 2021.
It’s June 1st, 2036 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The Los Angeles Cyborg Police Force (sponsored by Tesla) will not enforce Governor Olivia Rodrigo’s mask mandate. The Police Chief Algorithm commented: “it’s up to each citizen to determine for themselves if they will die from COVID or from the merciless hands of the cyborg police force.”
- The much-anticipated $15 stimulus check has been voted down in the Senate, by a total of 2-55 (the remaining 43 Senators missed the vote after testing positive for COVID).
It’s October 14th, 2040 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The anti-stimulus bill goes into effect on November 1st. All Americans are required to Venmo the US Treasury $2,000 by the end of the year or have their citizenship revoked.
- An outbreak of the DeSantis-2 variant at today’s “We’re Back!” re-re-re-re-reopening parade sent hundreds to local hospitals, putting DC Metro hospitals at 105% capacity (2 to a bed, 69-style)
It’s December 25th, 2040 and COVID is surging again. Here is what you need to know:
- The Jesus’s B-Day strain is no fucking joke. Skin will bleed infinitely. Sins will not be forgiven. You can run, but you cannot hide.
- Send Pfizer a check for at least $5,000 if you want to save one of your children. Write which child in the memo line, i.e. “Lil’ Margot.”
For more from this issue, click here
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