A Tour of the New, Publicly-Funded “L’il Liberals” Child Care Center

Elliot Haspel

L’il Liberals

Ladies, gentlemen, please, come in, come in! Allow our valet to take your keys. Don’t worry, your cars will be very safe in our minivan-optimized parking lot.

I’m so glad you’ve considered enrolling your child here at L’il Liberals. As you know, we’ve recently received funding under President Biden’s child care plan, and, haha, boy was the Wall Street Journal right when they said once we stopped scraping to make payroll every month, we’d start upselling, like them fancy colleges and their aquatics centers.

Our first stop is the toddler room. As you can see, all of our children have access to individual jumperoos—why yes, they are gold-plated, I’m so glad you noticed! Over here is the art table. We’ve sourced these craft materials from only the finest suppliers; this crayon is actually made with volcanic ash, and you’ll notice the sparkle of the glitter? Tiny emeralds! Mined from the same workers Elon uses! How about that? No limp spaghetti hair for our self-portraits here, no ma’am; feel this—you feel it? Yep, bucatini. Don’t tell the New York City restaurant scene (ba-dum ching).

If you’ll follow me, you can see that the infants all have SNOO robot bassinets. My finance director told me we could pay $1,500 apiece for these babies—babies for our babies, how about that, eh, sir?—or we could give our teachers $1,500 bonuses. You can guess what I said: less time rocking, more time indoctrinating our kidlets to hate America and vote Dem! We try to be responsible stewards (wink wink) of public money: with child care teachers making a median wage of $11.65 an hour, that’s a steal at 128 hours per SNOO.

Now, let’s talk food! I’m sure you’re used to hearing all the gab from our competitors about how Blue Babies brings their food in every day by mule from an organic farm, or how Open Minds, Open Borders has an apple orchard on site—I kid, I kid, they’re good friends—but look out the window. We actually bought a pasture so the children can watch the cows being milked, and when their fine motor control gets a little better, they can even help! How. About. That. We milk the cows, then we dump it out and drink oat milk. Such fun!

Please, right this way. Step around that moldy floor tile, it’s not so sturdy—we’ll get around to fixing it and all the others, but, priorities!—and I want to show you the crown jewel of the center: The J.D. Vance Honorary “Class Warfare” Classroom. Good eye, sir! Those aren’t statues. No, we’ve chosen to employ upper-class professionals like venture capitalists (Mr. Vance wasn’t available, LOL) and lawyers to teach the little muffins—and you too, parents!—why we should never spend any time with our own children… you know, like a good child care program does! My finance director told me we should be using the funds to raise teacher wages and give them health insurance—we maaaaay have not been able to offer that in the quote-unquote Before Times—but you know what I said? Can’t put a price on reinforcing bourgeoisie values… you know, like a good child care program does. (Actually, you can; we’re paying these folks $450 an hour.)

What’s that, ma’am? Cost? Well as you know, the Biden plan caps parent fees at 7% of your income, so no worries there—spend away! Splurge a little! If I may be so bold: Treat yo’self. After all, centers like ours get all the money we want after that. Excuse me? States set reimbursement limits? That’s not remotely how child care funding works? No, no, I’m sure that can’t be right, I read about it in what those of us in the biz call the W-S-J (we can even afford a subscription now!).

Now, who wants to go see the aquatics center?

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