Soooo the pandemic is ending soon, and I know what you’re thinking: you gotta tell Tevin that it’s over because you can’t stand the way he calls Corona “The Rona” (we stopped doing that in June) and also that you have nothing in common besides wild, intense loneliness. But we get it! You don’t actually want to speak to him about it because… you just don’t want to! Instead of having that awkward, face-to-face breakup, try using one of these five fun sex positions to let him know “this was fun, but it was just a pandemic fling, and everyone is already halfway vaccinated AKA the pandemic will be over soon.”
The Irish Dog ¶
This is a classic doggy-style position with a fun “Irish Goodbye” twist. The twist is that you basically stonewall him. Bonus: this position allows you to avoid eye contact, so when Tevin says, “Oh Marsha, I know we haven’t talked about this or really anything besides our favorite yogurts, but I love you and I’m so excited for us to make our own goat farm upstate one day!” you can thoroughly ignore him and say something like, “I think I might call it a night soon.” If performed successfully, Tevin will take the hint. (It is rarely performed successfully, so kudos to you if it works!)
The Upbeat Reverse Cowgirl ¶
This variation on the reverse cowgirl position involves you screaming “yee haw!” whenever spoken to mid-coitus. Plus, it is another great bodily set up that involves you not looking at Tevin’s face! So when he says things like, “wow! What a fun sex move!” and “you have a lot of cowgirl potential, we should go ride horses this summer like in that TV show, Westworld,” you’re in a great position to imply, “or maybe since we’ll be vaccinated we’ll want to see other people that we’re actually attracted to and have things in common with” while simply proclaiming “yee haw!”
The 100/69 ¶
This fun position invites no conversation at all—just doing the ol’ 69 for a minimum of 100 minutes! So when Tevin is about to say, “let’s meet my entire family and show them the woman I shall soon be wed to,” find a fun, subtle way to get him on the floor in 69 position, like burying his face in your velvet Sphynx so he never mentions his family ever again.
The Sexy Kitchen Appliance ¶
Having Tevin spoon you from behind is a perfect non-committal position that says, “I am lazy, and also, can we break up in three weeks when Hot Vaxx Gurl Spring is fully happening?” The fact that you are even spooning should communicate this to him immediately. When idiot Tevin (who can’t even pick up on these extremely obvious passive-aggressive cues) tries to say something romantic like, “I bought us a house in New Jersey to start our new life together,” don’t listen too hard because men love mixed signals and Bergen County real estate.
Catherine Weingarten is a Brooklyn-based playwright, comedy writer, and wedding cake lover. Twitter: https://twitter.com/sarahkaneissexy
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