Ladies, the world is on fire, and despite the fact that some activists want to blame it on the massive carbon footprint left by corporations, it’s all your fault! The food you eat, clothing you wear, those cars you drive—it all takes its toll on the planet. But as your innumerable wrong life choices add up to near-catastrophe, the right buying choices could make you the savior of the world!
Here are 7 items to buy at every price point (even the poor ones!) that we’ve decided will make you feel like you’re undoing global warming. (All prices in USD, despite the fact that some of these items are only available in Europe. We will not indicate which ones.)
Kikkerland Reusable Ice Cubes - Set of 30 - $5.75 ¶
Where does all that water come from? Where does all that water go? Nobody knows. But we do know that some people don’t have water because you’re hogging it all like a greedy little water pig. Stop wasting precious milliliters on frozen squares for making your drinks cold for once and put these designer, 100% un-recycled plastic cubes in your bevs.
Lotus Design Meditation Cushion in Zafu Paisley - $46.45 ¶
Mindfulness fixes everything, and you better believe that includes the environment. Don’t believe us? Sounds like you’re not living in the moment, girlfriend. Take one lousy minute away from destroying the planet to focus on your breathing. Isn’t everything better now? Self-care for the win!
Leave Nothing but Footprints Women’s Soft Bamboo French Terry Jogger Sweatpants - $60.99 ¶
Not a single thing that this author can think of is worse for the planet than the cultivation and harvesting of cotton. Bamboo, however, grows so fast and invasively, it’s basically a weed! And weed is cool now thanks to Governor Cuomo! Throw out all of your old pants today.
Anya Hindmarch “I am a plastic bag” Tote - $961.18 ¶
Fact: products up-cycled out of old, single-use plastic never go out of style because they literally cannot decompose. That’s why the real leather trim is up-cycled out of old, single-use cows. Hopefully humankind will one day learn to stop making cows, but until then, we’ll continue to up-cycle those methane-squirting beef machines.
Prada PR 21XS Sunglasses - $289 ¶
We all know fast fashion is killing us, so I won’t bother to unpack that statement. Therefore, by the contrapositive principle, expensive designer objet d’art must make us better people for supporting real quality. QED, buy these absolutely brand spanking new, made-in-a-process-that-is-deeply-unsustainable sunglasses TODAY. (Full disclosure: Prada lent me these glasses for a party, and I looked amazing.)
SodaStream Aqua Fizz Hydration Pack - $194.96 ¶
Think about it: your own homemade water with bubbles. It’s not quite like soda, and turns getting a drink into a Sisyphean ordeal. That’s got to be doing something good for the planet, right? And to nip this in the bud now, no, this does not contradict my previous concerns about wasting water. Ice is waste. Soda water is growth.
SCOTT Addict RC 15 Carbon Onyx Black Bike - $5,599.99 ¶
If only someone would listen to the bikers: replacing your car with a high-performance cycle is so freaking easy, and riding a bike in a busy city of automobile owners that loathe bikers isn’t at all terrifying. Biking on a nearly $6,000 bike is good for you and the environment. Plus, once you get used to it, you’ll stop sweating through your bamboo pants on your morning commute!
Emily Hulme spent almost 10 years as a culture editor at the now-defunct amNewYork newspaper. She now lives in China and won’t shut up about it. You can hear all about it on Twitter https://twitter.com/uncle_hello or YouTube at https://youtube.com/c/HelloUncleForeigner
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