So many things have changed during the pandemic: over five hundred thousand Americans have died, we’ve hoarded toilet paper, and we’ve suffered in isolation with almost no government assistance. But most importantly—my boyfriend became an essential worker. I used to have a complex personality—I enjoyed reading books about owls, playing flag football ironically on the weekend, and had a well-paying finance job bundling derivatives for the Hammer family (Armie, not MC), but now the only thing I think or care about is the fact that my man is putting his life on the line for you everyday, AKA is a total hero.
I’m sure you’re dying to know the details of what kind of essential work Josh does. People get so, so curious about him and are always stopping me to ask for more deets, especially when I wear my favorite t-shirt I designed that says, “My Boyfriend Is an Essential Worker” (that actually comes in three colors: light green, beige, and leaf green—all available via my website). We also have a mini pots and pans keychain coming, so you can make noise for my boyfriend whenever you see him—or me, since he works so much.
So Josh works at this amazing organic grocery store; not sure if you’ve heard of it before, but it’s called “Whole Foods.” He works at the one in Beverly Hills that you can only go to if you’re a famous person’s assistant. He helps bag people’s organic melons and kale chips and just overall healthy, nourishing, lightly bougie food. He could be doing so many other things, like playing video games, pretending to apply to jobs, or collecting unemployment checks. But no! He puts his life on the line everyday to make sure actors are taking care of their bodies in a hip way in between Zoom taping sessions of Kevin Hart’s Celebrity Game Face. Yes, now would be a good time to applaud. Is your BF essential? I think not! So just clap, OK?!
Now is such a hard time for our society, and I feel lucky that my boyfriend is helping people everyday. He’s worked at Whole Foods for a while, and at certain times I pushed him to try to take his LSATs and make actual money to help pay for my light shopping addiction, but I’m so glad he told me to “shut it” and kept his current job. Little did I know he’d be fricking saving the world and people would be clapping once a day for him in the streets (and me, by association, since he works so much). People get so, so curious about him and are always stopping me to ask for more deets, especially when I wear my favorite t-shirt I designed that says, “My Boyfriend Is an Essential Worker”
Whenever anyone starts talking about COVID-19, I have to chime in that my boyfriend is an essential worker, because it just brings a smile to people’s faces. I’m not just a girl with a boyfriend who won’t shave his beard ever. My life has a deeper meaning now—he’s not just a normal boyfriend, he’s an essential boyfriend. Like, he is so essential to society, and of course also to my heart, if only he could learn essential skills like cleaning the bathroom LOL. So no, I won’t donate $5 to the Red Cross. I’m supporting my essential worker boyfriend, so I’m already doing enough.
Catherine Weingarten is a Brooklyn-based playwright, comedy writer, and wedding cake lover. Twitter: https://twitter.com/sarahkaneissexy
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