Latest Coronavirus Relief Package Mostly Gift Cards

Sean O'Reilly

In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) have announced the latest version of the $1.9 trillion stimulus bill will no longer include a $15 minimum wage or additional state and local funding. Instead, the Democrats are offering a new package that mostly contains gift cards.

“Congressional Democrats are excited to announce we will be finishing the work of getting Americans those $1,400 checks they need. It’s just going to be in gift cards now,” Sen. Schumer explained. “It’ll be more fun this way.”

While the details of the compromise bill are finalizing, it appears that the Senate is prepared to pass a one time payment of $1,400 in Dave & Busters Power Cards to all Americans making $49,999 or less in adjusted gross income. “The cut-off was important to us. We cannot be sending workers who do not need relief to D&B while the vulnerable populations most severely affected can’t even game at home,” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV). Manchin was a key player in the new version of the bill, stating that the need to revive our country’s crucial theme restaurant infrastructure was also a consideration.

Rep. Pelosi released this statement earlier today: “People will be able to eat, have fun, and support local businesses like Dave & Busters and Discovery Zone all at the same time. It’s a win-win, and we keep the privileged from cutting the line.” (Editor’s Note: Discovery Zone shuttered its doors in 2001.) Those hoping for a cash payment may be disappointed, but DCCC officials are assuring Americans that this is better, because “[you’re] going to go to these places anyway,” and “you can receive a personal pepperoni pizza and a small Coke if you get your parents to sign up for the D&B credit card.”

President Joseph R. Biden is said to have initially suggested Dave & Busters as the focus of the stimulus, saying in a statement released this afternoon: “Have you ever played that Aliens game they have there? While drinking a big ‘ol beer? Listen Jack, you never seen a white boy like me go so hard on Dance Dance Revolution.”

Many Republicans are excited about the new cutoff for relief as well as the lower price tag of $900 billion. “Yeah, it turns out if you just suggest gift cards and be done with it, everyone is happy about that,” said Josh Hawley (R-MO), who was said to be floss-dancing in the Capitol over the bi-partisan bill.

Gift cards are said to go out to American citizens by April 9th, in time for the be-ginning of summer in what will assuredly be a fun, safe year. “Yeah just wear a damn mask, Fat, and go to D&B, that’s all we really got for you,” President Biden said. “The vaccines are coming and stuff, so I dunno what the hell do you want from me?”

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